Dumbledore's Christmas Party
by lady fionnavar
Summary: nothing crazy ever happens at the christmas partys,right....? Part 2 up! spoilers this chapter, which has elements of the book 5.
1. Chapter 1

Dumbledore's Christmas party 

One Christmas Dumbledore decided to throw a Christmas party at Hogwarts. But since they had one every year, it didn't make a difference. He walked down to the main hall stumbling a little as he had indulged intensely in holiday spirits. Literally. He pushed his glasses askew and staggered to the two sets of double doors he saw. Barely missing the door, he made his way up to the podium and began his pre- party speech. "Floberhusum, chiliwing, dreams. Thank -hic- you." He slurred incoherently as he hiccupped. Somehow he made it to his chair and sat down. "Eggnog. Eggnog! " He yelled to no one.

Down in the kitchens a house elf rolled his eyes. "He's drunk again!" " I heard that, midget!" Boomed Dumbledore from above. The house elves crossed themselves in fear and sent up the food and eggnog hastily.

Harry sat with Hermione and Ron, who were talking about Sirius and didn't notice Dumbledore's drunkenness. "…I mean, who wants to morph into a mangy old dog anyway. Couldn't he at least make it a wolf?" said Ron. "You're right Ron. He smells, too." Said Hermione. " And what about those fleas. Eww!" said Harry in disgust. "Lets face it guys, he is a total bum." "I'll drink to that!" said Ron, enthusiastically drinking down his eggnog. As soon as he set down the cup it instantly refilled. "Ooh. More!" he said, emptying its contents. He kept drinking, occasionally eating something, before downing yet another cup off eggnog. "Should we tell him its alcoholic eggnog?" Hermione whispered to Harry, concerned. "Naw. Lets see what he does." She smiled at the prospect. "Maybe I can finally have my way with him." She muttered to herself. "What did you say, Hermione?" asked Harry. "Uh…nothing, nothing." She blushed. Harry felt it would be better if he didn't know what she meant and so ignored her blushing face and busied himself in his eggnog. Hermione downed some 'just to relax.' she told herself.

Hagrid meanwhile surveyed the hall while enjoying the vast array of deserts that were in front of him. He looked over at Dumbledore, who was singing "Here's to you Mrs. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you can know!" rather enthusiastically. He knew it was best if he didn't drink the eggnog (which he had secretly spiked with fire whisky when the house elves weren't looking, just to see who would pass out first), because he'd probably have to cart Dumledore back to his room by himself (and soon, Draco Malfoy by the looks of things, who was drooling and singing "she'll be coming round the mountains when she comes!" as his head lolled back and forward).

Then the weird sisters appeared and tables were moved to the sides of the room. They set up their instruments and began to sing. "Oh I love this song!" Dumbledore slurred heavily. Then he grabbed professor McGonagall by the hand and led her to the dance floor. "Dance with me, Minny!" he yelled over the noise, spinning her around. "Looks like we're dancing already!" shouted McGonagall back, giggling as she twirled. She was a little drunk herself.

Harry suddenly got up and brought his glass of eggnog to where the goblet of fire stood. He raised his goblet and shouted "Three cheers for Dumbledore!" drunkenly and threw its contents into the goblet of fire. "What a beautiful speech!" Dumbledore said, wiping a tear from his eye. Harry came back to the table and set down his goblet, which instantly refilled. Picking it up, he went back to the goblet of fire and emptied it into the goblet of fire again. He kept going back and fourth until the goblet of fire was filled with eggnog. Then it began to overflow onto the dance floor. Dumbledore slipped and pulled McGonagall with him. He kissed her. "Lets go swimming, Minny!" he cried, swimming around in the eggnog. Standing up, he dragged her outside to the grounds. "Can we go skinny dipping?" McGonagall asked enthusiastically. "Excellent idea!" he said crunching through the snow towards the frozen lake.

Meanwhile Ron had passed out cold and Hermione swiped Harry's invisibility cloak while he was busy drinking from the goblet of fire. Placing the cloak over herself and Ron, she began to drag him out of the hall. As she was attempting to haul him up the seven flights of stairs to the room of requirement thinking of things she would require, they passed by Mrs. Norris. But even though she was making quite a racket in trying to drag him up the stairs, Mrs. Norris didn't hear them. She had lapped up some spilled eggnog and was now busy chasing things only she could see.

Snape was sitting in a dark corner holding a goblet, thoroughly wasted. He was muttering to himself about square spiders and rabid puppy bones. Absentmindedly, he was pulling wizard crackers. Every time it made a banging noise, he would tilt his head closer and closer to the source of the noise. He had one pressed to his eyes. "Oh, it's a wizard cracker." he said as he pulled it. With a boom, it blew off his head and he fell forwards. Draco crawled over his body and tripped, falling unconscious into the blood.

In the morning they were found and even though it was to dark in the corner to see anything (even if everyone didn't end up wasted) word spread that they had had a drunken argument about wizard crackers, and accidentally killed each other.

Harry was still lying in the eggnog until a hung over Filch poked his limp form with the handle end of a mop. Luckily, Hagrid had caught Dumbledore and McGonagall running around the grounds, before anything really disturbing happened. They were covered in primitive body designs and were screaming profanities at Hagrid until he knocked them over the head and dragged them up to madam Pomfry for treatment against frostbite.

As for Ron and Hermione, they had made it to the sixth floor before Hermione passed out. Weather this was due to how heavy Ron was or due to how much she had drunk, is still up for debate. Harry found them days later, as he tripped over their comatose forms Taking them to madam Pomfry for detoxification, he felt relived that they never made it to their destination, and imagined the talk he would have with Ron about the virtues of not getting drunk around her. Just then moaning myrtle had snuck up behind him and attempted to tickle him despite the fact that she was dead. He screamed like a girl and tripped on his own feet, falling down the last flight of stairs very ungracefully and wound up on his face. "Oh dear." Said moaning myrtle. " I guess I shouldn't ask him out just yet." She then left him lying there comatose and sped back to her toilet.

THE END.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

(Note: this is a fictional adaptation of Christmas at Hogwarts in Harry's 5th year. Having read all the books, I am aware this does not occur. MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS. You have been warned.)

It was another year in Hogwarts since the fateful Christmas party. This was the fifth year for Harry, Ron and Hermione (among others) and they were presently starting the fifth year Christmas party (of course, the rest of the school came too, because they had one every year.). They had believed that Umbridge would cancel the party, but Umbridge seemed especially into the holiday spirit for once in her life. Draco and Snape had been saved due to some serious magical surgery (or by way of a plot device, if you prefer) and everything was as it should be…except that Umbridge was still alive, that is.

"Hem, hem." Said Umbridge quietly. There was instant silence in the hall. A cricket chirped. "Who dares defy me? Of with his head!" "With pleasure." Filch smiled gleefully, and ran of to decapitate the cricket. Harry and Ron eyed each other and nodded. Wordlessly signaling the others in the D.A., they all nodded to each other. One way or another, tonight Umbridge was going down.

"Now," Umbridge said. "Let the feast begin!" before sitting down and stuffing her face as fast as she could. "Do you think decapitating a cricket is necessary, Delores?" questioned Fudge, who was invited to the feast. "Oh, absolutely, minister. They have to learn discipline, or else the little snot wipes…I mean, the dear children might believe they can get away with anything." She said with false sweetness. "Have some eggnog, won't you?" said Flitwick handing her a filled goblet. "Why thank you, professor." She said, before downing it all in one gulp.

At the Griffindor table, Harry was already thoroughly smashed. He had tried to wipe out of his mind the complete mess he had made of his relationship with Cho. "…And so," Harry hiccupped drunkenly, "now people think got me this scar because of voldymort." He looked around fearfully. "Shh…don't say his name!" he whispered. "Uh, Harry, weren't you suppose to lead tonight's operation?" asked Hermione, concerned. "Hic…Naw…they can handle the little guy." He said really loudly. Ron and Hermione covered his mouth. When they realized everyone else was too preoccupied in their own conversations to be listening, they released him. "Anyways, what really happened was that I was accidentally dropped on my head as a baby and the evil green fairy killed my parents because it was all my fault!" he said, before bursting into tears. Ron and Hermione exchanged disturbed looks. Hermione shrugged. "We'll have to check on him later." She told Ron.

Back at the staff table, Snape noted that Umbridge could defiantly not hold her liquor well. He eyed her warily as she waved her arms to gesticulate some point or other, nearly knocking over his cup. Due to his…incident… with eggnog and wizard crackers last year, Snape had decided not to drink any this year. Umbridge, on the other hand was totally plastered and slurring her sentences. " Oh Fuddgge, you guys are the mostly ha…hic…handsome old man I ever see." She said, hanging onto Fudge's arm, while Fudge looked thoroughly disturbed. She giggled crazily, before crossing her arms and laying her head on the table.

Harry looked thickly across the hall to the Slytherin table and saw Dumbledore with a strange grin on his face, looking in the window at the Slytherin eating in front of him. "Hi Dumbble…. uh…dumbly…uh…dumblesomething." he whispered to Dumbledore from across the hall. Dumbledore just put his index finger to his lips and Harry imitated the gesture, nodding stupidly at him. Then he giggled shrilly. " She was a funny big lady, she was!" he said loudly, thinking of Madame Maxime. Seamus eyed Harry with concern and walked over. " Maybe you should lay of the eggnog for a while, eh mate?" he said. "Get back to work, you sss…. shlacking bum." Harry hissed in reply. Seamus shrugged and walked off, knowing what alcohol could do to a person. He and his dad often had drinking contests to see who could hold their liquor best. Harry looked back to where Dumbledore had been and vaguely wondered why the Slytherin was gone.

Meanwhile Cho walked up to Umbridge, wondering why the poison Flitwick had put in Umbridge's goblet hadn't taken effect yet. It had been ten minutes since she had drank it. "Professor Umbridge?" Umbridge squinted at her. "Hic-yesh, ch…ch…choey?" she looked glassily at Fudge. "Her name is ch…ch…choey, -hic- right, fuddge?" He stared at her uncomfortably for a moment, before answering. "Yes…I believe so." "Go onwards choey." Said Umbridge. Cho glared at Umbridge, before saying: "I have something to show you." " Oh I love something! Where is it?" she asked, getting up so quickly that she knocked over her chair. "Now, don't get exited choey. You'll get to show me something. Where is it?" she squinted as she looked around the room. "There are two of everything, so we can all share!" She declared, before following Cho. As they walked across the hall, a chandelier fell and hit Umbridge squarely who lay under it, deathly still. A silence fell over the room.

Harry, who was to busy watching Dumbledore to notice Umbridge, looked at the Slytherin table. There was only Draco, Crabbe and Goyle left at the table. He saw Dumbledore staring in a creepy way at Goyle. Harry looked at his hands and told them quietly: "That's the spirit, dumbb…dumble! Now we'll win qui-hic-iditch for sh-hure."

Suddenly, Umbridge's feet curled inwards. "Ding dong the witch is dead." Sang a drunk Draco, who had not learned from his experience with alcohol last year. Megonegal came over to see what the commotion was. "Which old witch?" "The wicked witch." Chorused the students. "Umbridge." Flitwick whispered in her ear. She grinned widely.

Just then, Umbridge opened her eyes, slowly pushed off the chandelier, and sat up. "That was a big something! " She exclaimed. "But I love it! I'm going to hang it on my door!" They heard someone groan loudly. It was Fudge.

"What now, Hermione?" Cho whispered as Hermione and Ron came up to her, after being absent most of the evening. "Plan C!" Hermione hissed back. "We have a plan C? Were you two off planning it?" She looked from Hermione to Ron and back again. "I thought you two were…uh…you know…." She blushed. "Huh?" asked Ron. "Oh." He blushed as he realized what she meant. Hermione glared at her. "Well, we would, but this is more important…. for right now…" she said, glaring at Ron, who gulped and took a step back in fear, before hanging his head in submission.

"Plan C!" she whispered, and waved her arms at the doors. They heard a loud chittering as the doors flung wide open to reveal a virtual army of chipmunks. They scampered inside and started throwing acorns at Umbridge, not caring who they hit in the process, leaping up onto the tables and knocking stuff over and getting into the food and drink. Everything was in chaos. One had manages to leap onto Snape's face. Another was chasing fudge around the room, holding a small fork and making stabbing motions with it. One was drinking eggnog. After about ten minutes, the chipmunks got bored with Umbridge and started chasing each other around instead. Hermione was trying desperately to get them to go back to throwing acorns at Umbridge, who didn't look all that worse for wear, to no avail.

Harry finally noticed the commotion with the chipmunks. His brain vaguely registered the fact that Umbridge was not, in fact, dead yet and that the D.A. weren't having any luck with it. He stood up and swayed a little. He pulled out his wand and waved it around in Umbridge's general direction. "Time to do it my way." He muttered to himself, wondering what his way was. Wasn't it something to do with spells and death? "Whatever." He would figure it out eventually. He stood staring stupidly at his wand for a minute, not noticing a chipmunk that had bitten the toe of his boot and refused to let go. Then it came to him. He drunkenly took a fighting stance and held up his wand. "In the –hic- name of the dumble man, I –hic- punish you!" He yelled at her and waved his wand around before twirling around (a la sailor moon) to emphasize his point. Everybody turned to stare at him. "Um…" he looked around. "Hang on it'll –hic- come to me." He saw a strange red and white ball lying on a table. There was something written on it. He squinted. "pichacu…no…pachika…no…patchacu." He said out loud. "That's it!" he hurled the ball at Umbridge and screamed: "I CHOOSE YOU, PATCHACU!!!!" It hit her on the nose and broke open. A little yellow mouse-like creature burst out of it and landed on Umbridge. It pulled a steak and a stake and stabbed the stake through the steak into her chest. "NOOOOO!!!!!! NOT A STEAK!!!! ITS NOT EVEN COOKED!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!" Umbridge screamed, before bursting into flames. Harry looked towards the Slytherin table and saw that even the Slytherin table and chairs were gone.

The next day Snape was found lying dead in a corner somewhere, having been mauled by a chipmunk and when Madame Pomfrey did a magical anaylisis of the eggnog supply, she found no traces of alchol whatsoever, dispite the fact everyone was drunk, which left her deeply troubled.So deeply troubled, St.Mundungo's refused to admit her and they sent her back to hogwarts.And as Hagrid stopped walking through the forbidden forest, later that day, Fang started pawing at the ground. He dug up a bone and began to gnaw on it. Hagrid looked closer. Was that a piece of a Slytherin robe?

THE END.


End file.
